December of 2016 hit me with the biggest and scariest bout of depression I’ve had in many years, maybe ever. To the point where I literally had to be at people’s houses all the time so that I wasn’t alone. Being left alone at your lowest, while already dealing with negative intrusive thoughts when you aren’t in a bout of depression seemed counter productive as I just wanted the feeling of dread to go away. I felt like something was ripped from my being, like an addict gone cold turkey and not by choice. Luckily I was able to work from home as I was updating a Surgical Alumni Database for a hospital in my city at the time. My boss was so nice about it, too. Which was very much appreciated. I suffered a loss and even though I knew it would only be a temporary pain, I also knew how unhealthy my attachment was…clearly. The depression lasted a few months, heavily. Thankfully there was a light at the end of this tunnel of dread, and that light was art. Some time in December I was obsessing over the loss and feeling confused as to why I could never keep a hold of anything when I decided to turn off the sad music, and paint a scene from somewhere I was supposed to visit later in 2017 (the plan that went out the window as quick as it came in.) It was the Northern Lights here in Canada. This is what came out my first time painting….It wasn’t the best painting I’d ever seen, but it definitely wasn’t the worst. In fact, I was pretty impressed with myself. It ignited a fire within me that had been blown out for years. Sure, I would blog here and there, write in my journals, I made a few quilts… but creating art really excited me. Finally, I was able to regain my strength to be alone again. I really enjoy being solitary, so this was such a relief to say the least! My family got me an easel for Christmas and I’ve been painting canvases recreating images I’ve found online ever since. Some of them are really simple but cool, some probably aren’t that great… but it’s the process that matters. The act of doing, creating, and releasing. Focusing my energy into these little projects saved me. It was literally the only thing that would ease my intensely obsessive thoughts and feelings. Thank god for art. I even got my StepMom back into it! It’s gotten me through some of my toughest times, and I’ve gotten some pretty good poems & journal entries from channeling my moods through it. My life has made a complete turn around, as it does! I’m in a happy state of being and have pretty great things happening for me. I’ll upload some more of my paintings as I continue to post. It feels like it all played out so perfectly with these creative outlets, and my leaving social media- I feel more authentically me. It’s fantastic. I hope you all have outlets for your depression and anxiety if you’re coping with either. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, always something positive waiting on the other side of the storm….remember that!
Use your creativity to tap into your innate power for growth and healing!