Anxiety has the power to suffocate every relationship you try to have. Especially romantic relationships. The constant worry and need for validation is relentless. The questions and unnecessary trust issues are so damaging, and obviously can be quite confusing to everyone involved. When an anxiety attack hits it’s like you’re on a water slide of awareness with tunnel vision on whatever triggered you. It can feel completely uncontrollable, making you feel desperate to tell whoever experiences you “on anxiety”.. “please, just let this blow over so I can go back to my normal state.” It’s embarrassing to say the least and if you’re lucky like me, you have a few people that know this about you and can ride the wave. You can only hope to find someone romantically that will stand by your side and stay with you through all of your self doubt. I know if things don’t work out that I can love over and over again…but finding a match and them staying with you and choosing you in spite of your most obvious flaw.. that’s true romance to me
Anxiety is the devil on my shoulder, I’ve realized. It basically whispers into my ear and sends me visions of potentially heart breaking scenarios which then repeat in my head over and over again. It’s ridiculous, and sometimes even when I am able to logically tell myself it’s not what’s really going on or going to happen to me.. I’ll still have to verbalize it and potentially cause awkwardness between myself and someone I care about. Someone who I don’t want to think I’m crazy because of the intense side effects of anxiety and how frequent my triggers are. If only it were actually an easy thing to ward off and ignore. It rushes over my body like a blazing heat with emotions that come slapping me in the face. The overwhelm takes next to no time, and the tears come shortly after. That’s obviously not everyone’s experience when they’re severely triggered, but it is mine. It’s effected all of my relationships due to being nervous that I had nothing interesting to talk about, me not feeling confident in my appearance, feeling scared I’ll be judged, things that trigger my trust in the person, etc. My romantic relations ships are usually very quick to boil, in both good and bad ways. I think where I am in my life today, I’m finally ready for an “adult” relationship- if a 28 year old, currently unemployed, love sick fool who is still child like in many ways, could even use the term. Previously, and undoubtedly continually from here on out, anxiety has literally sucked the life out of all of my romantic relationships. I’m clingy, need validation and lots of affection, reassurance… I may ask them something more than once making it seem like I really don’t trust them. I have intense self doubt that comes in waves. Trust me, I know none of these are exactly award winning girlfriend qualities. I just can’t seem to shake them all the time.
There are women and men all over the world that are creating problems in their relationship where there doesn’t need to be, probably by over-asking and over-wondering. Sometimes we all just need to take a step back and realize that a lot of good things in life need their time to evolve. Big things don’t happen all at once, most times. I personally, whether it’s because of my anxiety or just because of my nature, wish that love worked easily. Like a choice, a quick choice. Now because that’s completely unrealistic and nobody just decides to love and choose someone, the uncertainty of any relationship, the sheer act of it just continuing, drives me kind of mental. I can’t go with the flow, I’ve learned. Which is so key and also a huge part of my personality in other ways (talk about irony). I may be at the apex of another relationship in my late 20s, though I’d say this is the first healthy and slow moving one I’ve ever had, but I know that everything happens as it should. If we don’t last, I’ll learn and move on.
The thing about a lot of anxiety, is that it all comes down to self love. I’m not sure whether it’s from our pasts, how people have treated us or just from or own self image, but we definitely all suffer with self love, in some way at least. If you have anxiety you know the whirlwind of intrusive thoughts that you just can’t seem to navigate yourself out of. It literally can consume your being until it passes, disregarding whatever situation you’re in or who you’re with. It is all encompassing. I have had it my whole life and have sought out different ways to cope such as medications (which mind you never lasted long-term as I couldn’t sleep on some and some made my anxiety worse), to seeing a therapist- which is super pricey, to just doing inner work and plain old avoidance. It’s been the dark cloud looming over my life from day 1. I’d love to be one of the people that ends up with a partner long term who can go through life with you, but I feel like that might be a pipe dream even though I’m still young and know what I want. This is the #1 issue between me and my dreams as it effects everything I do and sometimes what I say. It leaves me and anyone I try to be with exhausted from the frequency of the attacks. Even being aware of your triggers and trying your best to cope doesn’t always make it less difficult for the person that’s trying to have you in their life. It can even get redundant…. like, cool, you know you have this huge issue, but it’s still effecting me!
I sometimes feel like I’m doomed to wander the planet alone forever. Or with many different men. I only want one… but is there one that can handle the difficulties anxiety brings to the table..again and again and again? One can only hope, right? I’m not sure if hyper-focus is a side effect of anxiety but I definitely suffer from it. You’d think it would be able to be honed into something positive, and it has little spurts of positive focus.. but a lot of the time it’s just anxious focus on what I can be losing. It’s exhausting. For myself and everyone around me that has to listen to me vent about it over and over again until what I’m afraid of losing has left me. Cliche. Same story every time. I keep trying to tell myself to have blind faith in relationships and if I keep believing things will work out and stay in a positive state of mind that I can make it happen- the healthy relationship that I’ve been longing for since forever. Unfortunately the devil on my shoulder is always ready to pounce on me when I’m feeling peace of mind. Which in turn makes me question the person I’m in a relationship with…about really obscene things like love and the future and their feelings for me, deal breakers, if they’ve been faithful.. it’s just a cycle of me being cool and collected -confident I’d dare say – to me feeling in a frenzy of a panic and needing answers asap! Again, exhausting.
After an intense weekend of pure pms anxiety that almost left me single again, I’ve gotten my head out of my ass and realized I need more than ever to continually implement the lists and goals that I have for myself to live a healthier lifestyle. Every ounce of happiness trickles down from there. It always has and it always will. Actually doing it, and quieting your mind when you’re bombarded with intrusive thoughts and worries can be very, very difficult. I’ve started and stopped so many times over the years. There are many forces at play to take your energy down and keep you at a low vibration, when we’re meant to be vibrating at a pure level of love. Again, self love comes into play. When will we love ourselves enough to take care of what we need to so that we can leave the door open for respect and true love?
With no real sense of how my life could be if I was able to manage my anxiety better, I still hope that I will have my dreams come true. An undying bond with a man who cares very deeply for me, who doesn’t run away when I push him. A healthy relationship that grows both partners into their best selves, with a calm sense of happiness & security. A girl can dream and dream I shall. Anxiety and relationships- what a doozy. I encourage you to never stop pushing through. To never give up on the notion that love is the most amazing thing in the world- no matter how long it lasts. Never regret loving someone regardless of the pain it may have caused, it’s precious and sacred and you should feel proud you gave that to someone. There will always be more love and if we’re lucky, with the right relationship, there will always be forgiveness for what the relationship has endured due to severe anxiety. The right person will be patient, although they may not understand, they will know your true nature and keep that in their minds as you’re going through the motions. I hope I’ve found that but only time can tell. Other than that- let’s work on loving ourselves. Our true authentic selves, because we’re wonderful, YES, even with anxiety!
Keep truckin’, I’ll be right there with you.