Nothing perpetuates the cycle of anxiety quite like negative intrusive thoughts. In one of my last posts I stated that anxiety was the devil on my shoulder, one who is in all of his glory when you have an emotional reaction to the mental intrusion.
Personally, I have mental health issues to battle so I can’t speak for the regular folk who just get a negative thought once in a blue moon. I can only speak for those who deal with this daily, like me. It’s intensely draining on your being (especially in moments of downtime where you’re not necessarily busy) and you literally cannot stop the narrative in your head. Looking in the mirror can be painful when you’re in the throws of any kind of *mental health moment*. To look into your own suffering eyes knowing you want to help yourself so fucking badly but feel completely helpless is kind of heartbreaking. It’s like looking at someone you want to help and feeling that compassion, but it’s yourself, you’re looking into your own soul, so it’s trippy, disturbing, and saddening on a whole other level.
I started this entry earlier this year (2018) but am coming back to it after a hard morning of feeling nothing but fatigue, nausea, self doubt, ugliness, and just not feeling proud of myself. There is so much positivity in my immediate life that it’s completely obvious when this is all intrusively induced. Which is just beyond annoying- Hi.. I’m here trying to live in chosen happiness every single day and here you are out of nowhere making it painful to be alive and awake “knowing” and believing my *shifted* perceptions of myself. Being around anyone is excruciating in these mental throws. You feel disgusting and dread anyone looking your way let alone actually paying you any attention. You can’t focus on what to say, you’re foggy minded, sweaty, faking a smile…and all you can think of is how much you’d rather be doing anything else in that moment. How you hope they don’t ask you anything triggering, how you hope that you don’t have your usual honest and humble word vomit and accidently spill all of the depressing shit in your head that NOBODY is going to understand.
Isn’t that a kicker?
People’s aflictions go overlooked and unbelieved in so many cases because of how somebody looks. How their life appears, and how well they can “turn on” their personality in a social situation. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been exeedingly charming around people when inside I wanted to be alone and left alone, to deal with whatever pains my heart (and head) were going through. That- is sick. To not believe someone’s ailments, to disregard the seriousness of a mental illness and the effects it directly has on their ability to live a normal life every single day. The things people take for granted that they are able to do are so frustrating. The tasks everyone with a mental illness wish they could perform daily like everyone around them. Like who they WANT to be more than anything. People will never know the pains of being so misunderstood and shamed for things that should have been nurtured in the first place.
Parents I beg of you if you are dealing with mental health issues yourself or have a child that is in the throws or exhibiting signs… please find someone you can talk to about it. Please do not resort to making your child feel unloved. I can’t tell you the pain I’ve felt and still deal with from being kicked out many times, having to use assistance, not being able to keep jobs or friendships or good relationships with my family members… all because of my mental health. It’s sad that nobody’s really been understanding of me. I guess they’ve started to see me more now as I come into my truth and have found myself in circumstances in another city that are allowing me to somewhat thrive.. but Agoraphobia, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and whatever other mental ailments I have, will always be a part of my story and a part of what I’m going to have to manage every day for the rest of my life. I have evolved from the hatred of my parents for in my opinion, not raising me correctly, protecting me, or making me feel loved & valued, but I still to this day cannot understand or forgive them. Please do not create the same dysfunction with your own children- love them through it and love them -so- hard.
I really try to practice kindness whenever I can because I know that you can never tell what someone’s going through in their mind and lives. Sure, I’m an empath and connect with people easily, so it’s probably easier for someone like me to pick up on what people are feeling behind their eyes, and notice their body language… but it’s hard to know all of the complex things anyone is thinking at any given time. The secret thoughts we cycle through in our heads all the time that never get expressed. Kind of fascinating. It’s true how important it is not to assume things and react to an assumption (most of the time). As hard as that is, I mean intrusive thoughts go hand in hand with assumptions and false or suspicious beliefs. Crazy man, just crazy.
Sometimes the intrusive thoughts aren’t even about ourselves. I’m not sure if this is a side effect of being an empath and having emotional/ psychic ties with someone but you can also get intrusive thoughts about other people…about their situations. About the injustices of life and circumstance. It’s all intrusive and it’s all sadenning.
Wikipedia says that “An intrusive thought is an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. When such thoughts are associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder(OCD), depression, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), and sometimes attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), the thoughts may become paralyzing, anxiety-provoking, or persistent. Intrusive thoughts may also be associated with episodic memory, unwanted worries or memories from OCD, posttraumatic stress disorder, other anxiety disorders, eating disorders, or psychosis. Intrusive thoughts, urges, and images are of inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and generally have aggressive, sexual, or blasphemous themes.“
Mine were definitely worse when I had personal social media accounts. Currently I have three, one for my business, one for my sewing, and one I share music on that’s my main page. None of them have friends, and facebook is the only source of social media I’ll be using. It was so unhealthy for me to scroll through Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter taking in everyone’s pictures, thoughts, complaints, and conversations for everyone to see. It was way, way too much. People made me sick, but I digress. I can’t imagine the pain that young people go through all hours of the day with the force of social media coursing through their thoughts all the time. It’s in their veins and they’re growing up on it just like people used to grow up on hop scotch. There’s no longer a sense of innocence – only confusion, doubt, manipulation, sexualization & abuses in one form or another now a’ days. At least that’s my opinion. Not everything..but mostly everything to do with any sort of media. 100%.
If you grew up with any sort of abuse, intrusive thoughts are way more likely to creep into your psyche all of the time. It’s a sad truth and I myself still have to mange it. Regardless of the reason, if you’re experiencing this please seek out ways to manage it.
Youtube videos about it and read articles giving you expert advice- it can help, if only temporarily. May healing & mental peace come to all of us!