How To: Heal After A Breakup
Here are my best ideas to help you positively heal after your relationship has ended…
Workout
What better way to get your strength back? There’s nothing more satisfying than the accomplished and proud feelings that come from working out. Do you need to get toned up? Need a confidence boost? Trying to live a healthier lifestyle? Trying to attract your ex or another man? WORK OUT. Even though I’m new to the actual health game, (though I’ve wanted to be a regular player for years).. I have already seen the results in me physically, mentally and emotionally. When I’m having a really depressed day it’s hard for me to get myself out of bed let alone to the gym… but this time, I’ve gone. I went 19 times last month and that’s not a brag about the gym at all, or my results, no no.. that’s a brag about me showing up for myself. I haven’t, for most of my life. So guys… what exactly is stopping you from starting your exercise journey? We all have room for improvements, and if you’re someone that is already fit, don’t you dare stop! This is just as important for your mental and emotional strength as it is for you physically. Breathe. Sweat. Gain yourself!
Take Care of Yourself
After a breakup it’s really important to reflect on your part of why it ended. It’s necessary to look at what you can improve in yourself and how you are in a relationship with someone. Other than working on that, it’s the perfect time for a mini makeover and to pamper yourself. Take good care of yourself, ok? You deserve it! Get your haircut. Do your nails. Eat healthier foods. Re-vamp your skin care routine. Move your body. Take long baths. Buy some new clothes. Make sure you get enough sleep. Seek therapy if you need to. Talk lovingly to yourself. Respect yourself enough to not get caught up in the hook-up culture of today, just because you’re single and lonely. Have standards for yourself. Believe you are a Goddess. SHINE!
Avoid Triggering Movies & Music
Are you trying to make yourself more upset? Protect yourself!!! I feel like even though they can be great entertainment, and very moving.. it’s unhealthy to go into any media knowing it’s going to pull on your heart strings and potentially set you back mentally and emotionally. I personally feel like you should get your strength back before enjoying your go-to romantic comedies, dramas, and love songs! There’s nothing worse than reminders of what you lost and what you once wanted with all of your heart. We want to work through and past these emotions, not dwell in them! Seriously, avoid it for a while!
Spend Time With Family That Loves You
Family is a great way to keep you grounded. To remind you of where you came from, the people that will love you no matter what, and a place you belong no matter who doesn’t want you. Being around family (blood or not) will help remind you of how valuable you are when you’re feeling extremely vulnerable and unloved. Breakups can confuse us into doubting our worth and that in itself can send us into a downward spiral. This is something, I’ve learned, that has made me feel 100% better, even if just temporarily and even if I was hesitant to connect at all. It was always worth it. This is also a great time to let them know how much you care about and appreciate them!
Lean On Supportive Friends
When you go through a breakup you’ll have 3 types of friends. First, the friends that will be there for you day in and day out, listening to your woes and comforting you at every turn. These are my favourite friends and the friend I like to think I am. Unconditional support! Second, you’ll have the friends that tell you what you don’t want to hear and hit you with that hard love. Sometimes we need these types of people to shift our perception even if it pisses us off or upsets us in the process. Sometimes we really need to shut up and let go. Sometimes, though, I think it’s necessary to hold on… you know how many couples get second chances?! It’s not impossible, at all. Keep hope alive, I say! Thirdly, there are friends that know what you’ve lost and what you’re going through and will decide not to mention it or ask how you’re doing at all in your interactions. Now this can be for a few reasons in my opinion. One, they might not want to trigger you and hurt your feelings while they’re out or talking with you. That’s valid, I’d take it. Second, they might be the type of person who is genuinely uncomfortable with deep talks and feelings. They simply might not know what to say or the right way to comfort you (or anyone) and come by that honestly. This is also okay, not preferred obviously… but can you get mad at someone who is only acting in a way that will keep themselves comfortable? Not really. Although in my opinion you should definitely mention that you wish they asked you to make you feel like they cared about you were going through. Sometimes, if you don’t say anything people wont know how much something hurts you, or know you prefer a different approach. Communication is key in friendships, I think! Thirdly, you have the friends that simply do not care. You’re an extension of entertainment, an ear to talk to, or a person to be around. Your personal matters are of no use to them. These people might not actually be your friends. Or just incredibly selfish. Your call! Either way, being around your real friends after a breakup is CRUCIAL! You need to go have fun, laugh, and be lighthearted with people who know you inside and out. Just like being around your family, being around friends will remind you of how loved and special you truly are. That you were fine before the relationship and you’ll always be fine no matter what does or doesn’t work out in the future. I’m telling you, we often forget our flame because someone’s rejection can blow it out. Now if you’re a strong ass cookie… this blog will be of no use to you because you’re probably already living your best post breakup life! As for the rest of us… call, message, or text your friends. Go out. Be yourself and love it.
Write In A Journal
Writing journal style has always fascinated me because I like to look back at what I wrote, experienced and felt. You can transport back to exact moments reading something you’ve gone through or were anticipating. It’s awesome. Like a textual time machine. This process is very relaxing and cathartic. You freely write down the thoughts and feelings coming to your mind and can actually have some epiphanies along the way. It helps to get out emotions you may be hiding from people or not expressing in any other way… and honey, you NEED to purge those emotions! They’ll eat you up if you don’t let them out, ok? Writing in a journal doesn’t just have to be about experiences and feelings, it can be anything. Poetry, dreams, goals, things you want to manifest, things you’re grateful for… the list goes on my love! Try it out. Get a pretty journal, a smooth pen, and go.
Make A Notebook Dedicated To Your Ex
This is something I did with a cute little clutch notebook I had that I had barely written anything in besides a couple recipes. I decided, my ex isn’t talking to me and my soul doesn’t feel like we were truly over yet.. so I’m just going to write him letters in this book. Maybe one day we’ll get back together and we’ll laugh that I ever did that. Maybe I’ll get to show my kids my love notes and get them to always believe there is hope where true love lies. Maybe we’ll never see each other again and this will be another little notebook of my words that I can look back on in the future with a warm heart. I believe you can put your energy into things. I believe that maybe just maybe we are able to send people immense loving vibes through thought, action and writing. A lot of my energy in the past month went to writing in this book and LET ME TELL YOU… when you’re missing someone terribly and you have so much you want to say to them, do it in a journal dedicated to them. It will help you to connect to their higher self while you’re writing (if you believe in that) and at LEAST pretend it’s some sort of connection. This is also a killer idea for those of you who don’t know how to give someone space and not tell them how you feel, which I’m so guilty of lol It allows you to release your thoughts, feelings & bullshit without actually bothering anybody and having any kind of negative interaction. Trust me, on days and nights where the emotions are running rampant and my heart feels squeezed with agony… writing these notes truly helped. Just try it, who cares if it’s kinda crazy lol I sure don’t! It’s not about what is crazy (okay I mean stalking people and doing ACTUAL crazy shit… is crazy)..but harmless coping mechanisms that aren’t hurting anyone or yourself, can be so important to your healing process. Write!
Connect With Nature & Animals
There is so much healing beauty all around us if we just take the time to notice and appreciate it. Leaves blowing in the wind, tree branches that look like an art instillation, flowers that seem too beautiful to be real… it’s endless and I hope you know how precious it all is. Nature can reduce anxiety, anger, and stress, which is what we all can use during a breakup! Being around greenery can raise serotonin levels, and vitamin D can help optimize your hormones. Having bare feet on the earth is called grounding, and it connects your body to what is… the bigger picture. It can, if only temporarily, take you out of your woes and into a divine energy! Try it sometime, it’s beautiful! Animals are extremely healing, too. Another life form to give your love to and spend time with is everything! I know it has been for me. My sisters’ two puppies live with my family where I currently am, and being with them everyday has been an enormous saving grace. With them here I have a couple things to really love on and nurture! Never underestimate the true friendship of animals or the power of nature on the soul.
Purge Your Emotions
UGH! I LOVE CATHARSIS! This is so necessary to your health! Purging your emotions helps leave room for new emotions so you’re not overloaded by holding everything in, and life multiplying the load. There are so many ways one can do this, too. My favourites are singing, writing, making art, moving my body, and loving on my partner/ an animal. Get creative…. get purging! You have to get it out so you can level out. You have to express yourself and your truth. You have to release, above all else!
Catharsis is defined on Wikipedia as:
Catharsis (from Greek κάθαρσις katharsis meaning “purification” or “cleansing” or “clarification”) is, e.g., the purification and purgation of emotions—particularly pity and fear—through art[1] or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration.[2][3] It is a metaphor originally used by Aristotle in the Poetics, comparing the effects of tragedy on the mind of a spectator to the effect of catharsis on the body.
Check out this blog post about this topic from one of my favourites, tiny buddha:
How To Release Painful Memories & Emotions Stored In Your Body
Create A Sacred Space
Create a personal sanctuary in a space you can have privacy and feel comfortable in. This can be your bedroom, porch, patio, living room, rec room, your bathroom etc. Buy yourself flowers or plants to create a natural healing environment. Get your favourite candles and spread them through the space. Any kind of salt lamps are great, too! Allow yourself to unwind without technology for a while. If you’re like me and prefer to put on music or rain forest sounds (or whatever gets you in a serene mood) play whatever moves you as quietly or as loudly as you feel in the moment. I like to use incense as well. It just ads a certain element of peace and magic when used all together. I would suggest wearing comfortable clothes, or nothing at all. Feel connected to yourself mind, body and spirit. Have water, a pen & paper, and an open heart ready. Make sure you’re letting the positive vibes flow into and through you, and with every exhale know you’re removing the bullshit that holds you back and makes you feel stress. Reflection is not to be underestimated in it’s power to heal and change things moving forward. This can be a time to meditate too, if you’re into that sort of thing. Quieting our thoughts is almost never a bad thing. We have too much external stimuli all around us every day that it’s important to take this time for yourself, and create this space for yourself to really heal and regain your power internally. You are powerful, you are whole. You need to remember this and rest assured you always will be regardless of what life causes us to lose. Do not lose yourself!
Focus On The Positives In Your Life
It’s so easy for us to ruminate and dwell on the losses we suffer, especially when it’s someone we have spent a lot of time with and effort on. Losing a soul connection is preeetty much the worst. But hey, everything happens in it’s right time, and to guide you along your journey hopefully gaining little bits of wisdom with ever new experience. When we are left with ourselves after a breakup, we need to literally write a few things down. At least I think this helps… You have to write down everything that’s great about yourself and every reason you’re worthy of abundance in every sense of the word. You need to write down what you want in life. You need to write down goals to get you to these places. You need to have visual reminders of yourself. I get lost in the thoughts sometimes, especially before I got medication for my anxiety and depression, I’d feel like I was swirling in them and they were drowning me. Drowning me in self doubt and shame. The truth is we all fuck up but we aren’t our fuck ups. Your value isn’t defined by anyone else but yourself. Write down the people you know love you, write down everything you can. Unless you’re some cool cat who can compartmentalize of their thoughts, ideas, feelings, ruminations etc.. then hey, do you girl! When you have things in front of you to visually see, you realize the amazing positive value each person, goal, and wish has in your life. You’re amazing, and so is your life, or at least you can try your best to make it so. You’re so much more capable than you give yourself credit for. I’d bet you the people who love you would agree, too. You need to know you are whole and things will always change, for the rest of our lives. We just have to ride the wave. Find whatever healthy coping mechanisms you can, and always speak kindly to yourself. Remember the positives!
Protect Your Body & Emotions
When we’re feeling vulnerable or excited fresh out of a relationship, it happens too many times than not, that someone does something hasty they end up regretting. It’s so easy to either get emotionally tangled with someone because you’re missing someone else, or worse.. get tangled up in their sheets. Do not do it ladies! Either of these things are going to seriously hinder you from actually healing. A big part of healing is realizing the parts you played in the breakup and what you need to change to be a better you and a better partner. If you’re putting your body and emotions all over the place how are you going to be able to work on yourself? You’re not going to be able to because you’re just giving yourself more scars, and more things to work through. It might seem like a good idea, and a quick fix, even if it’s just temporary. But I’m telling you, nothing is worth setting yourself back and potentially feeling shame, or hurting someone else in the process. Avoid it like the plague. No matter how tempting it is.
Always Believe In Love
Whether it’s with someone new, someone old, or someone you know you’re destined to be with…. always have hope. Keep it alive within you. Hold onto the knowing that at your core you are love and that you are capable of sharing it time and time again. Not only that, but more importantly never forget how extremely worthy of love YOU are. You angel. You healer. You are the very essence of love. Don’t lose sight of the thought of a partner. We can all kid ourselves when we’re single that we “don’t need anybody” and “we’d be fine alone forever” “a partner doesn’t define me” but let’s be honest here folks, we all on some level want a partner, a connection, a home, and a family. A life long confidant. It’s written in our veins, we are supposed to come together. I believe yes we can be whole on our own but I also think that men and women can compliment each other and their lives in a way that they are everything the other isn’t and therefore they each supply enough to make a “whole” situation. Does that make sense? I know what I’m saying. Basically, I believe in love. I’m IN love, and I believe in doing whatever it takes to be happy and fight for what you want or believe in. Never lose the fire within you that burns for love.
I hope these ways to heal find you well and help you along your process!
Until next time,
J.
Fate Up Against Your Will 